Non-Violent Communication
Non-Violent Communication (NVC), also referred to as a language of compassion, was developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. This type of communication promotes the exchange between others and oneself grounded in compassion, respect, and understanding. Rosenberg was responsible for implementing peace programs in a considerable number of war-areas, such as Rwanda, Nigeria, and Sierra Leone by employing NVC principles.
The book "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" offers different ways for more open and honest communication with the intent of improving the relationships between ourselves and others. I don't know a single person who wouldn't benefit from reading this book.
The Core Steps for Non-Violent Communication:
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests
1) Observations vs Evaluations
When you evaluate a certain action you are incurring a judgment. Especially when we don't agree with the action, a moral judgment is verbalized and the person is classified as bad. Or, we blame the other person for what we are feeling — "you are making me angry". Rarely this leads to a productive outcome, and it creates defensiveness and resistance.
On the other hand, an observation has its root on what was done objectively and places the focus on our own feelings and needs. The key is to separate observations from evaluations and with this be able to solve conflicts with more ease. Instead of "He has a big mouth", we objectively state "You often bring stories from your childhood to our meetings and that causes delays".
2) Feelings vs Opinions
After communicating an objective behavior, you should bring your own feelings to the table. It's more difficult than it seems because beginning a sentence with "I feel" doesn't equal a feeling. Here is an example, "I feel you are being rude". What does this say about how you feel? Nothing, it is rather a moral judgment. A feeling would be, "I feel hurt because you didn't greet me this morning."
3) Needs vs Criticism:
Having stated what we felt, it's time to connect that feeling to a need. You feel scared because your need for security wasn't met. Feelings are always connected to needs and it is crucial to understand and communicate those effectively. The problem is when instead of communicating a need, we replace it with criticism. "You care more about your work than you care about me." This is not communicating a need but criticizing the other person which can give rise to an argument.
Communicating a need would look like "You arrived late from work today. I feel lonely because my need for connection and intimacy wasn't met." See the difference? "I feel x because I need y." And never "I feel x because you did/didn't do y."
4) Requests vs Demands:
Now that you've stated an observation, communicated your feelings and the corresponding needs, it's time to request by clearly stating what you want the other person to do to have your needs met. The reason why they are called requests and not demands is that they don't imply any punishment. That is, the person has the free-will to comply with your request. This doesn't mean you should give up on the first try, but instead, try to empathize and understand what the other person is feeling. Non-Violent Communication is not a manipulation tool, because, when used with this intent, the purpose of strengthening connections is not fulfilled.
After considering these 4 steps, a conversation where you are using the language of compassion can translate into: "When you did x, I felt y, because I need z. So, I would like you to do this instead."
My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.
— Marshall B. Rosenberg