Being with myself

For the past couple of weeks that I’ve been really unmotivated, sad, angry. Although I can link those emotions to a few events that occurred, I tried to fight the sadness. In fact, I do it all the time.

No one likes to be sad. Nor depressed. And I’m really good at hiding those emotions from others. And from myself.

But this time, things were a little bit different. I didn’t have the energy nor courage, to put my emotions to the side, and continue with my busy life. This time, my emotions crushed me. And they caught me by surprise.

Suddenly, I couldn’t get out of bed. My family kept asking why the hell I was only waking up at 11 a.m. (which is a really rare event). I also didn’t know. I wanted to get up, grab my cup of coffee (yes, I was going to skip my workout), and work on something. But there I was, in bed, without any energy to get myself up.

I started feeling stupid. Why was I wasting my day doing nothing? Finally, I got up. Guess what I did? I grabbed a cup of coffee, and I laid down all day.

What’s going on with me? I asked. I couldn’t find the answer. And I surely wouldn’t find it on Instagram.

A few days passed by, and I felt a need to practice meditation. 10 minutes. At the end of the 10 minutes, I felt different. Not necessarily better. Not necessarily worse. Just different.

I was reading the book Principles by Ray Dalio, and the importance he attributes to journaling about emotions, sadness, and pain, made me grab my journal, and write.

And that was exactly my routine for 5 days.

Read. Write. Meditate. I meditated 3 times in one day. Which for me, is crazy. But I felt good while I was meditating. I felt good because, during the practice, I was not trying to box my emotions. I was not judging myself. I was not fighting my sadness. I was just there. Enjoying something I couldn’t really understand.

My planner was not being opened. I was not being productive. I was not being effective. I was not hustling. I was spending way too much time on my phone. I was not accomplishing any goal. I was just being with myself.

Even though I’m alone a lot of hours during the day, I never took the time to be with myself.

I came across this passage:

“These moments of pain are so important, you shouldn’t rush through them. Stay in them and explore them, so you can build a foundation for improvement.”

­­— Ray Dalio

I was not fighting my pain anymore. I didn’t want it to go away. I was accepting the way it was crushing me. I was journaling about it. I was with my emotions.

And suddenly, I found myself finding myself. Just a little bit. Just a tiny bit of myself. And it was ok if I lost myself again. It was ok. Even if it was not.